


What Could Go Wrong

by PalindromeIsntOne



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Bella knows her shit, Crack, Edward likes to suck, Humor, M/M, More cracked than an earthquake, OOC, OOC as all hell and no one cares, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-12-19
Packaged: 2018-04-18 16:47:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4713179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PalindromeIsntOne/pseuds/PalindromeIsntOne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humour/crack. Bella resorts to Jacob to stop Edward from watching her sleep. The effort has unintended consequences. Told in a series of short conversations.<br/>~<br/>“I wonder what it would be like…to touch someone warm…who wouldn’t break.”<br/>“Get a dog.”<br/>Edward chuckled. “I’m considering it.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Gaaaaayyyyyyyy

**Author's Note:**

> This was a request by the lovely Azareel.  
> This took me like, a whole half an hour to write. There'll probably be just one or two more chapters. Please show your appreciation. Pahahahahahahahahaha.

“Alice, are you okay?” Bella frowned.

“I…saw something.”

“The future?”

Alice nodded. “Edward…”

“Edward?”

“And…Jacob.”

“Oh. Well…what were they doing?”

“I…I’m not sure.” Alice rubbed her temples. “They were in a bedroom together.”

Bella paused and bit the tip of her thumb. “Hey Alice, you know when Edward used to watch me sleep?”

“Yeah?”

“Well not long ago I started to sleep with Jacob to make him stop.”

Alice choked.

“Not like that!” Bella rushed. “I mean, you know, just because. Werewolf. Thought it would put him off. I shared Jacob’s bed for _sleeping_.”

“R…ight.”

“Well, Edward kinda came and went a bit at first but then…well, he kept watching us, even with Jacob there. And I was over there a few nights ago when I had to go to the loo in the middle of the night and when I came back…Edward was watching _Jacob_.” Bella shrugged. “I sleep back at home now. Haven’t seen him since.”

* * *

 

“Hey.”

“Edward, stop watching me sleep.”

“I can’t help it.”

Jacob rolled over so that he was face-planting the pillow. “Yoohbaprubum.”

“What?

Jacob rolled back over. “You have a problem.”

“I can’t sleep.”

“Now neither can I!”

Edward came closer, stepping out of the shadows so that he was standing at the end of the bed. “What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?”

“Having a heartbeat.”

“Swallow something throbbing and find out.”

“Are you propositioning me?”

Jacob coughed and sat bolt upright in an instant. “What the hell, man?!”

Edward sat down on the end of the bed. “I feel like I can be myself with you.”

“What?”

“We’re both monsters.”

“Speak for yourself, leech.”

Edward leant over and shuffled up so that he was lying next to Jacob. “I’m sick of suppressing myself, trying to be gentle.”

“Wonderful,” Jacob muttered.

“I’m used to your scent now,” Edward continued after a long moment. “It’s grown on me. Like strong liquor.”

“Please just stop talking.”

“I wonder what it would be like…to touch someone warm…who wouldn’t break.”

“Get a dog.”

Edward chuckled. “I’m considering it.” He sat up and leant in close to Jacob’s neck, inhaling the warmth of his body. Jacob flinched.

“Dude –”

“Can I suck you?” Edward whispered.

Jacob looked at him. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but please tell me you mean my blood.”

* * *

 

“Mike, I think he’s gone gay.”

Mike paused mid-mouthful of noodles. “Who?”

“Edward.”

“Cullen?”

“Yeah.”

“Bella, he watches you all the time.”

“Not anymore.” Bella shrugged. “It’s all Jacob now.”

“Well…I think you’ve had a lucky escape, then.”

Bella paused for a moment, staring down into her bowl of soup. “Hey, Mike, do you think he’d be a bottom? I got an extra bottle of lube on a sale.”

Mike spat out his noodles.


	2. Waaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I got for you. Enjoy.  
> BDSM-informed Bella is the best Bella.

“So you promise? Once, okay? Then you swear you’ll stop watching me sleep?”

“Promise,” Edward whispered.

“I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this,” Jacob muttered as he pulled down his boxers. “Just _don’t fucking bite_ , okay? Or I will.”

Edward knelt down on the floor so that he was between Jacob’s thighs as Jacob sat on the edge of the bed. He looked up at Jacob through his eyelashes. “I won’t bite,” he said smoothly.

Then he leant in.

“ _Cold!_ ” Jacob shrieked. He leapt back on the bed. “Your mouth is _cold_!”

Edward shrugged. “I’m undead.”

“Drink some tea!”

Edward raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“If you’re going to do this at least drink some hot tea to warm your mouth up!”

“What –”

“GO DRINK SOME FUCKING TEA!”

* * *

 

“So…they’re…” Alice moved her two index fingers towards each other.

“As in…?” Bella prompted.

“No! Well… I mean…”

“What did you see?”

“Uh…”

“I want you to tell me in explicit detail.”

“Bella…Wasn’t Edward your boyfriend?”

“Exactly! I need to know they’re practising safe sex!” Bella thought for a moment. “If vampires don’t eat, do they technically need to douche before, you know…?”

Alice choked.

* * *

 

“E…Edward, that was…”

Edward was smiling.

Jacob stared at him. “You’re hard.”

“I am,” Edward purred.

“How?”

“What?”

“You have no heartbeat, how does the blood circulate? In fact how do you even stand u–”

He was shut up by Edward kissing him hard on the mouth. When Edward pulled back he fisted his hand in Jacob’s hair and pulled Jacob down towards his erection. After a brief second’s hesitance, Jacob obliged.

“Hear that?” Edward asked with a soft sigh.

“Huwaa?”

“That’s the sound of logic being deep-throated.”

* * *

 

“BELLA!”

“What? I’ve known since you guys started and it’s been like two weeks.”

“Th-this isn’t your house?!”

“Calm down Jacob. Do you guys need anything? Some snacks? A condom? A HIV test?”

“ _BELLA!_ ” Flushed bright red, Jacob turned to Edward. “You don’t have a problem with this?”

Edward was sitting there calmly on the bed next to him. Equally naked.

“I brought you guys some drinks.” Bella passed two glasses full of a red liquid to Edward. Jacob stared at them.

“Is that…blood?”

“Is it blood? My goodness no, who do you take me for? It’s tomato juice. Why, did you want to try blood play? Because if you do I’d rather you do it in the dungeon.”

Jacob stared at Edward. Really stared. “A dungeon?”

“She fancies vampires. Why are you surprised she has kinky knowledge?”

“And _why are you okay with her barging in on us_?” Jacob barrelled on, ignoring him.

Edward shrugged. “I did watch her sleep.”

“That’s not the same!”

Edward paused. “You’re right. I gave consent for her to watch. She didn’t. Sorry Bella.”

Bella shook her head slowly. “You are not forgiven.”

“ _YOU GAVE CONSENT FOR HER TO WATCH US?!_ ” Jacob shoved him. “What are you, an exhibitionist?”

Edward gave him a long stare. “Dude, I _glitter_.”

* * *

 

“So it’s been a month now.” Bella ate another chip thoughtfully.

“Yep.” Edward nodded.

“Have you done anal yet?”

“Sadly not. For a hot blooded male – in every sense – he’s surprisingly hard to persuade.”

“Not into it?”

“Afraid of transforming during, I think.”

“Ah.” Bella ate another chip. “I suppose that’s not one I can help you with.”

Edward nodded. “I think I have a solution, though.” He smiled. “I can be very seductive.”

* * *

 

“Bet you’re a beast in bed.” Edward grinned.

“Edward –”

“Can you control when it happens?”

“Edward...”

“But once in a blue moon, right?” Edward winked slyly.

“Edward!”

“I’m not afraid,” said Edward lightly, comfortably post-orgasm. “Is it technically bestiality if I fuck you then?”

“EDWARD OH MY GOD.” Jacob buried his face in his hands and groaned.

“What’s the matter Fluffles?”

“Don’t call me that.”

Edward shrugged. “Look, anyway, I’m fine with it. You. Werewolf. I thought I’d got that across.”

Jacob groaned and ran a hand through his hair. “You don’t understand Edward. Your scent…it gets to me. What we've already done is one thing, but... What if I transform whilst…you know…”

Edward paused long and hard, and let the silence gradually enhance the potency of the mischievous grin he was giving.

“I did not practice with that dragon dildo for nothing.”


	3. Priiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhh, I had to add one more for the sweetness.

“This must be the third bed we’ve broken.” Jacob stared down at the sad remains of a very happy night with mixed feelings.

“I was thinking we could starting building our own.”

Jacob turned to his vampiric lover. “What?”

“Save some money. Lots of wood around here…” He paused for an appropriate…length. “And I’m sure you’re handy with an axe, too.”

“Are you serious?”

Edward shrugged and picked up a shred of ruined pillow – or perhaps it was underpants – then turned to put it in the bin, muttering something quietly. But Jacob had sharp hearing.

“So you want to stare at me chopping wood, shirtless and sweaty?”

Edward grinned. “That’s not what I said.”

Jacob blushed lightly and Edward only grinned more.

“Are you supposed to be…too _old_ to say that sort of thing?”

“Would you prefer me to put it more _eloquently_ , Fluffles?”

Jacob blushed more.

“I told you to stop calling me that.”

Edward stepped in front of him, spread his arms, and then fell, impossibly gracefully and deliciously naked, back onto the soft pool of duvet in the middle of the carnage.

“Make me,” he purred.

* * *

 

“Another glass of water?” Bella offered.

Alice groaned.

“Just…watch something else?” Bella suggested.

Alice scowled at her from the couch. “It’s not like I _want_ to see…that. I just wanted to check up on him.”

Bella frowned. “Is something up?”

“Edward always gets excited about the Seattle gay pride this time of year. Normally he’s very quiet about it but, maybe because he has Jacob now… It’s like he’s obsessing over it.”

“Oh, yeah.” Bella sat down beside Alice. “He came to me the other night and said he was worried Jake wouldn’t go with him. I think he’s…actually starting to feel something more serious.”

“What did you tell him?”

“That he obviously hadn’t had enough sex recently.”

“Bella!”

Bella shrugged. “I needed some time to think about my real answer, but…I think it’ll fix itself.”

* * *

 

“A gay pride? Why?”

Edward shrugged, but Jacob could tell he was a little tense. “It’s one of the few places glittering in public is normal. Either that or nightclubs.”

“I thought you didn’t like those sorts of places.”

“I don’t _dance_ there,” Edward answered with disgust.

“Then, why?” Jacob frowned.

Edward stared at him. Jacob looked back, blankly. Edward kept staring at him.

“For…food?” Jacob asked.

Edward rolled his eyes.

“But you’re vegetarian!”

Edward sighed, drawing a breath specifically for the purpose. Somehow that always intensified his sarcasm. “Animal blood? Vegetarian? Really? And animals can’t even consent to it, if you think about it.”

“You said –”

“Yeah, come on, Bella believed I was a _virgin_.”

Jacob’s mouth opened and closed. “…Fair point.” He paused for a moment. “So…gay pride, huh.”

Edward watched him. Jake looked at him with a small frown, and then he shrugged.

“Did you want me to wear glitter, too?”

Edward’s smile was beautiful.

* * *

 

“You know,” said Alice from the side of the parade, “I never thought it would turn out like this.”

With rainbows painted on her cheeks, Bella smiled back.

“And you…uh…”

Bella was dressed in black latex, with thigh-high black boots and velvet black gloves.

“You too,” Bella smiled at Alice’s simple blue summer dress.

“You know, when I met you I thought you were…different.”

“You mean clumsy, shy, awkward, needy?” Bella supplied easily.

“U-uh…not exac–”

“I suppose. It’s weird – GO SEATTLE!” she cheered a fabulous drag queen past, “ – but I was paranoid that people could see through me, see that inside I was just this nervous mess, and that all my thoughts were really stupid and transparent. Then when Edward came along, and he told me he could read minds, but not mine – and I believed him – I…I had a sort of power trip.” Bella blushed. “He was fascinated by me – obsessed, for a bit –” she frowned a second, “But it…felt good. To him I was that anonymous mystery I’d always wanted to be, to be free to build myself from scratch… And then I realised I always had been, because no one _else_ can read minds… I could act however I wanted to. I…I don’t know. It…clicked somehow.” She trailed off, looking faintly embarrassed at her attempted explanation.

“That’s awesome, Bella,” said Alice genuinely. “I’m glad.”

Bella smiled warmly. “Thanks. Come on, let’s go find the guys.”

* * *

 

Topless, Edward sparkled gloriously.

“You make me think of that one Rihanna song,” Jacob muttered.

Edward turned to look at him quizzically.

“I’m not going to sing it – and don’t search my head for it!” Jacob exclaimed, suddenly trying to think of another song, embarrassed.

Edward smiled. “If you insist.”

Jacob scratched his own chest. “This glitter itches.”

“You look…” Edward paused, then his lips split and he laughed. “You look ridiculous.”

Jacob clicked his tongue and sighed.

“It’s good to be out,” Edward grinned.

Jacob paused. “Out?”

Edward looked at him. “Oh, I don’t care about _that_. I…” It was rare for Edward to go quiet. “I didn’t know if you would want to be seen out with me,” he said softly.

“Oh,” said Jacob. “But you can read my mind.”

“You weren’t sure.”

Jacob looked up at the brilliant blue sky for a long heartbeat. “Bella,” he whispered softly.

Edward was frowning, but Jacob turned to him with a smile.

“You never did know where to look,” Jacob answered.

Edward smiled.

Just then a colourful man on stilts strode past them, a huge grey shaggy dog trailing behind him. Jacob saw a kid on the sidelines point at it, eyes comically wide.

“Mum, that dog’s so big you could ride it!” the boy cried.

Jacob turned with a smile to Edward, but Edward’s answering grin was anything but innocent.

 


End file.
